Beware Hormonal Hobbits
by Kage kioku aji tenshi
Summary: Bilbo is pregnant with Thorin's Baby, here are some of the FDwarrows' antics.


Prompt/Summary: Bilbo is very pregnant, (MPREG) and hormonal, Dwarrows realize how terrifying the Hobbit is when he blows up for something completely insane.

Queue doting dwarrows, making sure Bilbo is as comfortable as possible when the mood swing hits, crying to hugging to screaming.

* * *

Bilbo frowned as he tried to close his coat yet again, he was already late for his meet up with Fili and Kili, they were going to go down to Dale so that he could pick up some things and he just could…not get…his coat…to button.

Bilbo screamed wordlessly in frustration and tore his coat off and threw it away from him, towards the Fireplace.

Whoosh!

Bilbo looked over just in time to see his favorite coat go up in flames.

Bilbo blinked back tears unsuccessfully, and Bilbo sobbing in front of the fireplace was how Fili and Kili found him when they came to see what was keeping him.

"Bilbo?" Kili asked as he knelt next to the Hobbit.

Bilbo sniffled and pulled the young Dwarrow down into his arms.

"Bilbo, we were supposed to be in Dale by now." Fili stated.

"How can you be thinking of Dale at a time like this?!" Bilbo screamed at the elder Dwarrow.

"Um?" Fili began, "What are we talking about?"(Shameless Chicken Little Quote)

"My coat wouldn't button and I threw it into the Fire." Bilbo cried.

Fili frowned, "Why'd you do that?"

"I didn't do it on purpose, it just happened!" Bilbo yelled.

"Are you feeling alright, Bilbo?" Kili asked quietly.

"Of course, I feel fine." Bilbo snapped. "Oh, your braids are coming out, what have you been doing, you silly Dwarfling?" Bilbo chided Kili as he fixed his braids.

Fili and Kili shared a look over Bilbo's head.

"Let's go see Oin, he might have a diet you can start." Fili said.

"ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT, FILI?" Bilbo yelled affronted.

"Yes…wait…no, um..Ooo something shiny." Fili stammered.

"Are you feeling alright? We should take you to see Oin, come along, dears." Bilbo said pulling the two after him.

The two shared a look of fear, neither wanted to be the one that told Thorin that his Hobbit was going crazy.

* * *

Bilbo hummed as he waited for Oin to finish his check up, neither Fili or Kili would sit still for their examination until Bilbo agreed to have one too.

"Well, I never…" Oin gasped.

Bilbo frowned, "WHAT IS IT?" he yelled.

"Well, lad, you're pregnant, far as I can tell." Oin said slowly.

"Pregnant?" Bilbo asked blinking.

"Aye, never knew a male to carry children." Oin muttered, "You Hobbits are quite remarkable."

Bilbo nodded absentmindedly, "Yes, yes, we are, you'll excuse me, OIn, I have a king to kill."

Bilbo began to leave.

"What was that Lad?"

* * *

"THORIN OAKENSHIELD YOU ARE A DEAD DWARF, DWALIN GIVE ME BACK THAT AXE OR YOU'RE NEXT!" Echoed throughout the Mountain and several Dwarrows that heard it worried for their current king.

Bilbo glared at the Dwarrow who had Fertilized his Garden, and oh, what would the child look like, would he be teased, would she be spoiled?

Bilbo suddenly started crying, would she hate them for making her a Half-child, would he be an only child, what about Fili, would he still be Heir?

"Bilbo, what's wrong?" Thorin asked.

Bilbo sniffled, "You, you stupid Dwarf, you Fertilized my Garden."

Thorin frowned, "What has your garden got to do with anything? I haven't touched your garden anyway."

Bilbo sighed, "Little feet are running through our Halls."

"Of course, Dwarrows have small feet." Dwalin muttered.

Bilbo groaned, "You know, a new seed is growing in the forest?"

"Tree-shaggers probably plant one every day." Fili said, Kili nudged him, "No offence, Tauriel."

She waved her hand dismissively.

"Oh honestly!" Bilbo yelled, "You, Thorin Oakenshield, you have put a Gem in my Mine!"

Thorin froze, "Really?" He asked as Kili and Fili fainted, while Dwalin sat heavily in a chair.

"Really, you understood that?" Bilbo asked exasperated.

"A Baby, we're having a Baby!" Thorin grinned.

"Nuh-uh, Rephrase, _I'm_ having a Baby, you're responsibly for it." Bilbo snapped.

"I am." Thorin said proudly.

Bilbo rolled his eyes and looked at Tauriel who grinned at him, she'd known since he had first said it.

* * *

"How far are you?" Thorin asked when they dressed for bed two days later, Dwalin had told Ori, who had told Dori and Nori, who had told Bofur, who had told Bifur and Bombur and the Company had thrown them a party to celebrate.

"About four months." Bilbo said guessing.

"Not far along at all." Thorin muttered.

"Excuse me, I'm already half way gone." Bilbo snapped as he climbed into the bed.

"What?" Thorin asked.

"Hobbits only carry for six months." Bilbo said slowly.

"Dwarrows carry a year." Thorin told him.

"So, the child's either going to be born some time between?" Bilbo asked.

"I don't know, this is the first I've heard of a cross pairing." Thorin returned.

"But not the last." Bilbo muttered thinking about Kili and Tauriel.

Thorin wrinkled his nose, "I suppose not."

"Oh, you.." Bilbo said hitting Thorin's chest.

"Hey!" Thorin shouted as he blew out the candle.

"What does this baby mean for Fili?" Bilbo asked quietly.

"The line of succession means this child will be the heir." Thorin said slowly.

"Thorin…" Bilbo began slowly in the dark.

"Yes?"

"Can Fili still be the Heir with this Baby?"

"Why? Don't you want the baby to be Heir?"

"I want them to be happy, what if they don't want to rule Erebor, what then? And what of all the Dwarrows who won't want a Half-child as their King? It just seems unfair to Fili to have been raised so long with being next in line, to snatch it away for a child that neither of us planned." Bilbo murmured.

Thorin sighed, "You are right, as usual, we'll talk it over in Council tomorrow and see if they agree with Fili remaining Heir."

Bilbo smiled in the darkness, "Thank you, Thorin."

"Good night, Bilbo, Goodnight, Gem." Thorin whispered.

"That is not going to be her nickname." Bilbo said sternly.

"Fine." Thorin said as he cuddled his pregnant Hobbit.

* * *

Bilbo was going to kill someone, more likely than not it would end up being his husband, if one more Dwarrow tried to carry him.

"I am not going to break if you look away, Bofur, I promise."

"Thoirn told me tuh watch ya, so, I'm watchin' ya."

"And what do you think he'd do to you if you saw me naked?" Bilbo asked.

"Can't ya bathe later?" Bofur asked, whined was more accurate.

"No, I feel ooky and gross, I'm taking a bath now, and you are turning away." Bilbo snapped.

"But…"

"Bofur, I will drown you in the water before my bath if you continue arguing with me."

Bofur's mouth snapped shut as he turned his back on the Hobbit, talking to the other as he cleaned up.

* * *

"They're for the baby." Ori said as he handed Bilbo tiny knitted socks, "Just in case he has Dwarrow feet, so, they keep warm.

Bilbo held the socks tightly as he began to cry.

"If you don't like them I can make something else." Ori babbled.

"No…no, they are just perfect." Bilbo sniffled.

"Then why are you crying?" Ori asked.

"Happy tears, Ori, happy tears."

"Oh." Ori said, "It's just, Dwarrows have a tradition where the Family of the Dwarrow parents will give a gift to the expecting parents, since Babes are so rare any child born is considered to be everyone in the families' responsibility, and since you don't have any kin here, I thought you wouldn't mind the Company taking that position." Ori explained.

Bilbo cried harder.

"Oh, no, Bilbo, I didn't mean…"

Bilbo pulled Ori into a tight hug and sobbed on his shoulder.

"The Shire has so many children, most of them use Family items that have been passed down to them, Mum had to give all my baby things away because she didn't have any more and it was considered a shame to just keep them if they wouldn't be used, and I didn't expect to have any children." Bilbo gasped out.

"Oh, well, Bofur and Bifur are doing the cradle since you wanted wood, Dori had been doing blankets and Nori has been sewing bodysuits."

Bilbo smiled wetly as he pulled away.

"You don't know what this means to me." Bilbo told him. "I haven't had a proper Family since my parents died."

Ori smiled, "The Baby won't want for anything."

Bilbo laughed because he knew it was true.

* * *

Bilbo winced as pain contorted through him as he walked down to the kitchens to help Bombur with a bit of baking, he felt like baking.

Bilbo stilled as he felt something tricle down his leg, he glanced down.

"I wanted to bake." He muttered.

He sighed and began to shuffle down the hall towards the Healing Chamber.

"Hello, Master Baggins." A passing Dwarrow said as Bilbo leaned heavily against a wall, "How's the Baby?"

Bilbo looked at the Dwarrow astonished before he realized how young the Dwarrow was.

Bilbo forced a smile, "Ready to greet the world." He gritted out.

"Of course, and you must be anxious to have him here." The Dwarrow said.

"Honey, I know Dwarrows are thick skulled and slow on the up take…" Bilbo paused to breathe through another contraction, "But if you don't help me get to Oin in the next…" He broke off again, "Minuet, you'll be the first…" Bilbo let himself clench his eyes shut as he fought the urge to push, "To meet her, because you'll be catching her."

The Dwarrow looked at Bilbo wide-eyed.

"I'll get you to Oin." The Dwarrow promised, lifting Bilbo up and running to the Healing Chambers.

The young Dwarrow held Bilbo's hand as Oin checked him.

"Ya're ready to push." Oin said.

"No, I'm not, where is…AHHH.." Bilbo squeezed the Dwarrow's hand tightly, "Thorin?"

"Meeting."

"GET HIM HERE NOW!" Bilbo shouted.

"We can nae…" Bofur began.

"If you don't…Ahh… Get him here…haha I will go get…haha…him myself..Ahh.." Bilbo sobbed.

"Right, we'll tell Thranduil he has to wait by order of the Consort."

"Stop talking…mmmmmmm… and go!" Bilbo screamed.

* * *

It took three hours and two broken hands later but a little princess was born.

"Well done, Gimli, lad." Gloin slapped the young Dwarrow on the back as Oin finished wrapping his broken hand.

"Thank you for being here, Gimli." Bilbo said as Thorin took his place before Oin, "Come here and see the little one."

"S'cute." Gimli muttered, "Worth the battle wound."

"Oh, it wasn't that bad." Bilbo snapped.

* * *

"So, what do we name our little Flower?" Bilbo asked as he rocked the cradle a tiny bit, watching the sleeping girl.

"No idea." Thorin said as he watched Bilbo tuck the blanket tighter around the child.

"I like Iris." Bilbo said.

"Oh?"

"It's a flower name…"

"Against."

"But it sounds like Dis' name."

"For." Thorin said. "I suppose it is perfect, it will work for her Hobbit family and the Dwarrow ones."

Bilbo smiled up at Thorin.

"Iris it is then." Bilbo said and then laughed as Thorin carried him to bed.

* * *

So, disclaimer, Never been pregnant, don't want to be, so if some things are greatly exaggerate then that's that. Sorry if you don't like it.


End file.
